Parenting by Influence: Why It Matters More Than Power

And you thought your childhood was rough!

Did you know that in ancient Rome, patria potestas granted fathers absolute authority over their children? This meant that they could disown or even execute them. This parenting model emphasized obedience and control.

Thankfully, parenting styles have evolved. I have often observed a drastic difference between parenting from a position of power and parenting through influence. Though this is not my first time discussing this subject, let me explain the difference between the two approaches.

The Two Approaches: Power vs. Influence

Parenting by power relies on a parent’s position as an authority figure. It’s often characterized by commands like, “Do it because I said so,” or, “Do as I say, not as I do.” This approach works well when children are young and naturally dependent on their parents. However, as children grow up and develop their sense of identity and autonomy, the effectiveness of power-based parenting diminishes. Eventually, it vanishes altogether.

Parenting by influence, however, doesn’t rely on positional authority. Instead, it cultivates a relationship built on trust, respect, and example. When parents parent through influence, they guide their children with wisdom and love, modeling the behaviors and values they wish to instill. This approach grows stronger over time, even as children become adults. It produces those phrases we long to hear, like: The older I get, the smarter my dad becomes.

Proverbs 22:6 underscores this idea. “Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it.” This verse doesn’t mention commands or rules—it emphasizes guidance and teaching. When you “start a child on the way,” the idea is that you are walking in front of them while they follow you. This is parenting by influence.

Practical Steps for Parenting by Influence

If you want to cultivate influence over your children rather than relying solely on authority, here are practical steps rooted in Scripture to guide you:

Pray So Your Children See You Submitting to God

Children learn as much from what they observe as they are taught. In Matthew 6:33, Jesus says, “But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.” As a parent, visibly seeking God through prayer and study shows your children that you are submitted to a higher authority. This models humility and dependence on God’s guidance.

When children see their parents praying over decisions or seeking God during difficult times, they learn that faith isn’t just a set of rules—it’s a relationship. This consistent example shapes their understanding of God’s role in their lives.

Pray With Your Children

But don’t just model prayer. Parents must engage in prayer with their children. Parents should pray with and for their children while children listen and observe. When you pray with your children, they experience firsthand the power of communal prayer and the intimacy of fellowship with God.

Praying together can lead to deeper conversations about their fears, dreams, and struggles, giving you opportunities to provide spiritual and emotional support. This builds trust and expands your influence as a parent.

Teach Through Example, Not Just Words

In Deuteronomy 6:6–7, parents are instructed, “These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.”

Parenting by influence means living out the values you want to pass on to your children. For example, if you want your child to value honesty, demonstrate integrity in your interactions with others. If you want them to prioritize kindness, show compassion daily. Influence grows when children see consistency between what parents say and what they do.

Use Discipline to Guide, Not Control

Discipline is a part of parenting. However, discipline is an opportunity to teach, not just enforce rules. When correcting your child, explain the “why” behind the discipline, connecting it to a value or principle. For example, if a child lies, you might say, “Honesty is important because it builds trust. When we’re truthful, we show love to others and God.” This approach reinforces the value rather than simply focusing on the rule.

Why Parenting by Influence Matters

Parenting by influence has a lasting impact that goes beyond childhood. It builds a foundation for healthy, loving relationships between parents and children, even as they grow into adulthood. Influence doesn’t end when children leave the house—it continues to shape their decisions, values, and faith for years to come.

Proverbs 20:7 offers a beautiful picture of the legacy of influence: “The righteous lead blameless lives; blessed are their children after them.” When parents lead with integrity and love, their children inherit a legacy of faith and wisdom they carry forward into their lives.

Parenting is one of life’s greatest privileges but also one of its most significant challenges. While relying on authority to guide children can be tempting, the most enduring impact comes from parenting through influence.

So, the next time you’re tempted to say, “Do it because I said so,” consider this instead: Show them. Teach them. Guide them. Influence them. Power may fade, but influence only grows stronger with time.