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The Difference Between Relief and Help

In a devotion I was reading recently I read a quote that really struck me. It said, “Many of us pray and pray hard but very few of us actually submit”. There are many things that I pray about on a daily basis. Currently, there are a few things that I am praying about diligently. They are things that are really important to me. As a matter of fact, when I read that quote, one of those things immediately came to my mind. I began to ask myself if I was really submitting to God about that issue. Did I want help or just relief?

I have been pondering this question now for a few days. There is a significant difference between the two. I know for myself that I am often looking for relief but I am not very open to the help. As a pastor, I encounter people on a regular basis who have that same struggle. I would even say that the majority of people are looking for relief and not help. Debt relief. Marriage relief. Pain relief. Work relief. Most often we are not looking for help. You may be asking, ”What is the difference?”. This is my summary of the difference between help and relief.

Relief
Very few people are interested in changing their actions. What they really want is the removal of the consequences of their actions. When we get relief, we are usually not solving a problem but only temporarily removing the symptoms of the problem. The debt consolidation loan gives us temporary relief but when our actions do not change we end up in a worse position than where we were before. We get pain relief without discovering what is actually causing the pain, or if we know, we choose not to make the changes to ease the pain permanently. Sometimes pain relief can mask something that is causing us great harm. Even the method of relief can be harmful to us. I prefer not to take a lot of medicine but if I get a headache I have no problem taking an Excedrin. But these pain relievers over time can do our body harm and cause other problems. There are certain things that I know to do to help avoid headaches, but sometimes I choose the relief over the help. Even when we have relief at work unless we quit we still have to go back. Our relief is temporary. There may be things that you can do on your job that requires help instead of relief and you may enjoy it more.

Help
The most difficult part of getting help is coming to the realization that we do not have all of the answers and we cannot do it alone. Getting help requires us to acknowledge that someone may have a better perspective, idea or that we are just not superhuman. The other thing about help is that sometimes the results are not immediate. We can take a pill and get almost immediate relief. Sometimes with help, we do not see any improvement immediately. A few years back I went to the chiropractor for an issue with my back and it took several visits before I saw any improvement at all. Most help requires a certain amount of discipline. If we are getting financial advice, it requires us to be disciplined to follow a plan to get the results that we want. If we are getting marriage counseling, we have to put into practice the things that we are seeing and understanding. Help allows other people and information into our lives to make it better over a long period of time.

We may not get the immediate relief we desire when we seek help, but the long term health of just about anything is better when we accept the help we need and stop masking the symptoms with relief. Sometimes relief might be necessary and even acceptable, but help is what most of us need. Be willing to accept it.

3 Times I Wish I Had Listened Better

Some people listen better than others, but everyone has moments when they just do not listen well. There are many reasons why we miss things we should have heard. Sometimes we are distracted, or we think we already know the information so we “zone out”, or we think we know better than the person speaking so we ignore them. There are even moments when we do not think what is being said is important or relevant and we just pay no attention to the information being dispensed. In most cases we do not intentionally ignore, our brain takes over and we just shut them out.

One of the reasons this happens is because to listen intently requires a lot of focus and energy. It requires us to be intentional to take in the things that are being said. One of the reasons that the staff hiring process is so exhausting for me is because of the early phone interviews with the candidates. I may do 40-50 calls in short period of time and most of them cover the same information. I ask the same questions over and over again. When done, I am usually wiped out because I have had to intentionally focus on each conversation to make sure I had the information I needed. Listening rarely happens by accident.

Looking back over my life, there are some specific places where I wish I had listened better. Had I been more intentional, it would have solved some problems for me both then and now. Instead, there were things I missed that created problems and issues that at times were painful. Recently I have been thinking about this some and recognized three areas I wish I had listened better.

Relationships
Not just any relationship. Every relationship. There is not a single relationship I have ever had that listening better would not have eliminated certain pain and problems. Marriage would be better. I would have been a better parent. My friendships would have been different. One of the greatest challenges of any relationship is communication and half of communication is listening. I have missed hints from my wife, important stories from my children and concerns of my friends. Every single relationship in my life would have been better had I been more intentional about listening.

Education
I did pretty well in school. I certainly had my moments when there were struggles but my grades we decent. One of my biggest hindrances in listening while in school was I didn’t think I needed it. Not that I did not need to learn, but usually I comprehended things fairly quickly and so my brain moved on to other things. During those times when things were being repeated and rehearsed, I missed important information. Some of the things I missed during those moments had nothing to do with the subject at hand. Sometimes it was the teacher offering some nugget of wisdom or watching people interact who were struggling in an area I was not. These things just passed right by me and I missed something that may not have benefitted me immediately, but certainly would have been a guide later.

Spirit
I come from a perspective of faith. Obviously part of what I do is pastor a church. So if you stop reading here that is your choice, but this might be something you need to listen to. Some of the moments I have most missed it in my life was when I ignored the Holy Spirit speaking. Sometimes it was conviction about something I needed to change. This blog may very well be one of those times the Holy Spirit was speaking conviction to me. Sometimes it was a change I needed to make or a truth I needed to accept. Other times it was guidance and direction that I was ignoring. In each of those times, there was some cost extracted for ignoring the guidance of the Holy Spirit.

Some of my most joyous and refreshing moments came because I listened. Some of my most painful experiences came because I did not. I would encourage you to do the work to listen. You cannot go back and “re-hear” what you missed. But you can start today with intentional listening. It will change almost every part of your life.

When You Think You Suck!

Recently I preached a sermon and was completely frustrated with it. We have two services so I got another opportunity, but I hate to feel like I completely missed it. There were things that happened that morning that I could blame, but those things happen on a regular basis and it doesn’t have the same effect. When my wife came into my office between services I said that it was a terrible sermon. I later sent the staff a message of a humorous picture that made me feel better because I was sure that sermon was in the top 10 worst I had ever preached. That was probably not completely true. I preached some pretty bad sermons when I first started out. But when things do not go the way you intend you often think the worst.

My perspective changed a little as the day went along. I was able to process the sermon, the day and the situation. A little perspective goes a long way. I thought I would share a few things that helped me get my mind right and look at the day a little differently. Maybe they will help you when you have a similar situation.

You Have Those Days

The greatest baseball players in the world go hitless from time to time. As a matter of fact, a great baseball player will only get a hit 3 out of 10 times. Similar statistics could be given across most other sports and professions. Every single person has times when they are not at their best and everything does not go exactly right. Don’t beat yourself up. The best in the world have days when they are not performing very well either.

 

You Are Not Quitting

The fact that you are there doing something is a sign of progress. You are not quitting. We all know the quotes about quitting. There is something to be said for showing up and doing the job. You doing the work is more than many other people are doing today. You have an opportunity and you are attempting to take advantage of it, even if it is not as great as you would like it to be. Don’t let a single bad day cause you to quit and rob you of the good days that you will have. Good days do not last forever, but bad days do not either.

 

Good Is Still Happening

This is the best perspective-changer I know. In my job as a pastor, I have to trust God to do most of the work anyways. The Apostle Paul would write that he plants and Apollos waters, but it was God who increases things. I received a message from someone later on Sunday afternoon saying that the message was right on time in their life. God was taking my failing efforts and working it in someone’s life exactly as they needed. Even in places where you do not consider it to be overly spiritual while doing your job, good is happening even if you cannot see the effects immediately.

We all have days when we feel like we suck. A little perspective will help you get over it quicker. Don’t get too sad when you fail or too happy when you succeed. If you do, life will feel like a roller coaster. Understand that both things happen in everyone’s life. Neither lasts forever.

Spring Break

My local school system schedules their annual Spring Break for the week following Easter. This year Easter happened to fall about as late on the calendar as possible so for some it felt like the break would never arrive. I heard one teacher describe it as a rumble; she said the entire school was rumbling. Everyone was ready for Spring Break to arrive – at least most everyone. Some kids love being with their friends and will miss them during the break. Some parents are busy and their schedules coupled with limited help to care for the kids require them to rely on the school to help with the daily care of their children. These exceptions aside, the overwhelming majority of people are ready for Spring Break.

The question is why is Spring Break needed? Summer break is just a few weeks away. Why not just push through? It is not just on the calendar so teachers can get a break or stretch the school year. There are several reasons why it is important. Some of these reasons can be applied to any situation where breaks are needed. Maybe one of these will give you some better understanding.

Your Kids Need a Break

I know you cannot imagine that your kids need a break. I hear parents tell their children “wait until you get in the real world and don’t get summers off”. The truth is some professions do get the summers off. Some even longer periods than that. The reason is that everyone needs a break. The constant routine of doing the same thing over again can cause us to stop growing and learning. This is true for adults and children. Taking regular breaks refreshes our bodies and our minds to receive things that we may otherwise overlook. It is not always about rest. Usually, it is more about routine. I know how much more aware I am when my routine is changed and how many other problems I can solve in my regular environment after I have been taken away from it. The children need those same kinds of breaks so school continues to be about growth and does not become a rut.

 

Your Kids Need You

Don’t allow Spring Break to turn into a week of frustration with what you are going to do with your children while they are out of school. Some parents will even complain out loud about how they feel it is a burden to have the children out of school. Some parents are intentional to take a vacation during this week and go away with their children. Some parents are just not able to do that. You should not feel bad if you cannot make those arrangements, but you should be even more intentional about spending the time you do have with your children. You have the ability to make the greatest impact on your child’s life. Don’t allow the normal post-school routine to continue during that week. Change it up a little bit and spend as much quality time with them as you can. You may not see the immediate results, but I can assure you that you are having a lasting impact.

 

Someone Else Needs A Break

When you go on vacation it is not just you that is getting a break, it includes all the other people who have to deal with you on a daily basis as well. I say that with as much gentleness as I can, knowing that we all want to feel needed. But the truth is our relationships at work are better because we took a break and they had a break from us. At Spring Break, it is not only the teachers who are getting a reprieve. I am sure the teachers come back rejuvenated and with a fresh perspective for their students. But sometimes the students need a break from the teacher and from one another. These are not the only people involved in a school though. The custodians, secretaries, administrators, bus drivers, and others all need some time away as well. Having a break gives them renewed focus and patience to do their jobs well. When their jobs are done well, your child has a much better environment in which to learn and grow. Don’t be selfish and believe that a break is just for you. There are many other people who benefit and those benefits spread.

 

So if you are in the middle of your Spring Break with children, make sure you appreciate the time and work to be intentional about it. If yours has already passed, take these words to heart for the summer. A life lived intentionally will benefit everyone around you.

The Truths We Ignore

We believe what we choose to believe. No one can force us into believing anything. We are not always convinced by facts either. Believing something is a choice. For people of faith, believing in God is a choice. For those who do not believe in God, that is also a choice. There are times we choose to believe or not believe and the consequences are minimal. There are other times, however, when we choose to ignore things that can cause us great harm.

Why do we choose to ignore important things that eventually extract great costs in our lives? All of us have been guilty at some point of ignoring something that we would later come to realize even though everyone else could see it but us. We thought we were the exception to the rule or that the person who was trying to convince us otherwise was just wrong. There are many reasons why we ignore certain truths. Here are three that I think are the most common.

Some Things Are Painful

There are some things we believe will cause us great pain if we admit that they are true. I see this most often in relationships. A person falls in love with another person but that person is not healthy for them. They may be abusive or they may influence them to do things they would not normally do. Parents and close friends will often point out some of those misgivings but love has blinded that person from being able to believe the truth. Eventually, that relationship progresses and it becomes more clear that this was a bad choice but their fear of the pain of losing the relationship causes them to continue. They deal with the pain they have in order to keep from dealing with the unknown pain of a breakup. Choosing to believe the wrong thing always brings pain. Sometimes we prefer a pain we know over a pain we don’t.

Things We Want To Do

There are things we want to do and we do not care that it is a bad choice. Since I previously talked about relationships, this certainly applies to those as well. I recall some personal relationships that I just wanted and it did not matter the consequences. There are times we know that something is going to be harmful to us but we choose to do it anyway. We want that car so we go into debt even though there is plenty of evidence that it is a bad idea given our current situation. We may have even had terrible experiences with debt previously and have experienced the Proverb that tells us that the debtor is a slave to the lender. But our wants override our reason and we go headfirst anyway. The thing we want to do overcomes the truth we need to believe.

Things We Believe Will Cost Us

There are times we have placed a high cost on belief. Over my life, this has been a popular excuse for people who did not want to follow Christ. They felt like following Christ would cost them too much. To be honest, there were times the church puts unnecessary costs on becoming a disciple of Jesus. They expected things that Jesus would never have expected and people just do not want to give up certain things. Following Christ does have a cost. Sometimes people feel that the cost is too high. There are things they prefer not to change. Things they do not want to give up. Lifestyles they are so accustomed to that they cannot imagine it being any other way. When we think the cost is too high, we just avoid believing, when even in the long run it may cost us everything for not believing. There is a price to pay for believing or not believing. Do not fool yourself into thinking that only one side has a cost.

So what truth are you ignoring today? Have you avoided certain choices or ignored things because of one of these reasons? There are consequences when we ignore the truth. I do not know what they will be for you. But usually believing the right thing is not as difficult as you have made yourself believe.

When It Takes Longer Than You Expected

They say that patience is a virtue. It very well may be, but it is not one that most of us possess. It is something that people pray for even though that alone is a clear sign we are not patient and want it now. As culture continues to move toward more speed and instant gratification, we will continue to struggle with this. Waiting on things can create tension that sometimes turns into frustration and maybe even anger.

Sometimes we are prepared to wait. We take our children to Disney World and the lines are long but had prepared our minds for the wait before we arrived. Even then we can find some frustration. The times that most often boil over in our lives are when things take longer than we expected. A good working definition of disappointment is unmet expectations. When things do not go as we expected we are disappointed.

This can be as minor as trying to make a quick trip to the grocery store that turns into a big ordeal or a problem in a relationship that we thought was a snag that has turned into a major conflict. What should have taken minutes or days has now turned into hours or months. Maybe we got sick and thought we would be over it in a few days only for the doctor to tell us this was going to be a long term treatment. When things take longer than expected it begins to take a toll on us. Some people get frustrated or angry while others get discouraged or depressed. There are reasons we get angry or discouraged. Here are a few of the reasons we struggle when things take longer than we expected.

 

We Feel We Have A Crisis

If it involves us, we feel it is the most important thing going on. When someone else is sick we find it easy to tell them that it will soon pass and that we will pray for them. When someone else’s marriage is in trouble we have exactly the right advice that will make things better. When it is us that is sick or struggling in a relationship, we feel like the world is going to come to an end. We feel like no one has ever experienced what we are experiencing. Our situation is different and we think that everyone should drop what they are doing to help us deal with our crisis. Our situation is probably not as dire as we think and it is highly unlikely others have not and are not going through exactly the same thing. But when our selfishness takes over we view ours as the worst and the longer it goes the bigger the crisis becomes in our minds.

 

We Cannot See The Entire Picture

We are not the only customer at the grocery store. We are not the only patient who is sick. We cannot always see what is going on behind the scenes; what the other people involved are dealing with in their own lives. More importantly from a spiritual perspective, we cannot see what God is trying to accomplish as He works all things together. We see our tiny little spot of the world and our limited situation. Recently in our business, we had items to ship for purchases customers had made. The customers were anxious to get their items. We had booked the freight in a timely manner with a national freight company. Occasionally, because we are in a rural area, it can take up to two days for the freight to be picked up. This time it took over a 1 week. The customers were upset with us because they felt we were not doing what we were supposed to do. We were upset with the freight company because we did not want to lose sales. Our freight broker was frustrated because he was providing a service from this company and the customer service reps at the freight company were confused as to why the terminal was not getting the freight picked up in a timely manner. All the while, the terminal was down two drivers and could not man all of their routes, but they were the only ones aware of that dilemma. Everyone had a small piece of the situation. Knowing one piece of information could have helped everyone else come to a different conclusion.

We Have Taken No One Else Into Account

We received bad service at a restaurant. They must be a terrible waitress or they have bad systems in the kitchen. Those are two common conclusions we come to in that situation. The reality is that the waitress may be struggling with a child who is sick at home and feels overwhelmingly guilty that she is at work and home caring for them. Between serving tables, she is stepping out back to call home to make sure the child is okay until she can get there and in the meantime, we finish our glass of water wondering where she may be. In our mind, she isn’t doing her job. In her mind, she has a more important job. What would happen if when we had bad service, instead of making assumptions we chose to engage that person and make sure they are doing well. Having concern for others will certainly change our perspective. It will also make delays a little more tolerable.

There is no way to avoid delays. Sometimes things will take longer than you expected. If we can understand that we are not the only ones involved and that others are working through situations themselves, we can manage the delays better and not get quite as frustrated. Delays will happen. How you handle it very well may affect the outcome.

Perspective: set your mind on things above

Recently our church staff has been reading Andy Andrews’ book “The Noticer”. The book is about changing your perspective in situations. Usually, the biggest obstacle we have is our own perspective. It is the way we see things. Our point of view. The apostle Paul wrote some similar words when encouraging people to take a different perspective. He said, “Set your mind on things above, not on things on the earth.” (Colossians 3:2 NKJV). He gave us some clear instructions to help our perspective.

Where you have your mind set matters. That is why they call it a “mindset”. There is a quote by Marcus Aurelius that says “The things you think about determining the quality of your mind.” Our approach to every situation will determine how well we deal with it and often what the outcome will be. How can this verse help us with perspective? Here are three things this verse says.

 

Perspective Is A Choice

You will tend to see what you are looking for. Paul instructs people to “set”. It requires intention. We hear from a young age that we can do anything we set our mind to do. Where we set our mind matters. It is our choice. If we tend to see what we choose to see, then choosing to see better things will make a difference.

Perspective Is Mental

Perspective is not really what you see anyway. It is what you choose to see. You can see problems or you can see an opportunity. You can see faults or you can find good. It is all in what you set your mind to see. That does not mean there are not difficult times or problem situations. It just means that where you set your mind will determine what you see.

Perspective Should Be Broad

Look up. He says to set your mind on things above. He is spiritually talking about the things of heaven and of Christ. I would tell you that looking up matters. It broadens your perspective. We often cannot see the forest for the trees. It is because we are focusing on this one small aspect. Look up and see the bigger picture. A broader perspective will help remove selfishness and self-centeredness.

 

Choose to set your perspective today. It will make a tremendous difference in every situation of your life. Things will improve even if nothing changes but your perspective.

Urgent Vs. Important

Many words have been written about the tension between urgent and important. In the 1960s, Charles Hummel published a booklet called “Tyranny of the Urgent”. In it, Hummel makes the case that there is a constant tension between things that are urgent and things that are important and that far too often the urgent wins. There is a story about a man named Lazarus that Jesus raised from the dead. Upon examination of the story, the raising from the dead is not even the point of the story. It is really a great picture of the tensions between the important and the urgent.

In the story, Mary and Martha need Jesus to come right away because their brother Lazarus is sick. Jesus decides to wait a couple of days. When he does decide to go, His disciples are scared that they are going to get killed if they go and so they try talking Jesus out of it. Lazarus dies and the sisters complain when He finally arrives. Jesus seems to repeat this constant theme several times: this happened for your sakes. They had urgent problems. A sick brother. A fear of being killed because of previous threats. Jesus was concerned about the important more than their urgent. He wanted them to believe in Him. everything that happened took place so they would believe more.

Important is a long term strategy. Urgent is a short term disruption. If you have not determined what the important things are, the urgent things will constantly drive your life. Many people go through life from one crisis to the next without ever taking the time to determine what they deem to be most important in life. Determining what is important requires some big-picture thinking. Where do I want to go? What do I want to accomplish? Who do I want to be? What kind of life do I want? It requires you to determine your priorities instead of letting your life be dictated by the current situation or need.

Someone else will be glad to set the agenda for your life and family. Sometimes we do not even realize how other things become urgent and take us away from the important. Social media has an agenda for your life. Television and other entertainment have an agenda for your life. So do retailers, websites, email, friends, and coworkers. They may not describe it that way, but they all have something they want and expect from you. If you allow their urgency to overtake your important you will find yourself following their path instead of yours.

I encourage you to take some time and determine what is important in your life and work to control the moments that the urgent disrupts your life. It will require you to answer some important questions and have the discipline to follow through and say no. Understanding the value of the important over the urgent can be life-changing.

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About Me

I currently serve as Lead Pastor at Open Door Church and I am a certified trainer & coach with the John Maxwell Team. I am also an Associate Trainer with EQUIP training leaders around the world. I currently own two businesses related to the foodservice equipment industry. I am a certified speaker, teacher and coach with the John Maxwell Team. I can offer you workshops, seminars, keynote speaking, and coaching, aiding your personal and professional growth through study and practical application of John’s proven leadership methods. Working together, I will move you and/or your team or organization in the desired direction to reach your goals.