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5 Takeaways from “Courage To Be Healed”

Recently I read a book entitled “Courage To The Healed” by Mark Rutland. The book describes how true inner healing happens through the power of the Holy Spirit and Christian counseling. He shares stories from counselors and clients of how people faced things from their past and learned to let go of bitterness to find healing.

Rutland deals with five toxins that affect our lives along with the pathway to deal with each one. Every toxin has a throne that needs specific therapy to reach the goal. Here is a chart that shows this.

 

We have a Wonderful Counselor who wants us healed and whole. Here is my summary of each one of the toxins and how we can recover from each one. 

The Toxin of Shame

Dr. Rutland offers an example of a young boy who was raped when he was fourteen. He had lived a life suppressing his shame, and it was affecting his work and his marriage. Shame leaves unworthiness in its wake. He describes shame as the most destructive of all negative emotional forces. There are two principal reactions in lives wounded by shame. The first is a defeatist attitude; the other response is combativeness. 

Shame lies to us; thus, its throne is deception. As long the sufferer believes the lie, shame is strengthened. What is needed is truth. Truth is what unseats deception and helps heal us from the toxin of shame. Once deception is unseated, the goal is to integrate our lives. Shame causes us to compartmentalize, which fractures our lives in the process. The contents of each compartment are not always consistent. The goal is integration, so we have whole lives, not multiple inconsistent compartments. 

The Toxin of Unforgiveness

Unforgiveness is seated in legalism. He defines legalism as “a worldview that sees all life’s outcomes as a product of cause and effect, of if-then propositions.” You can be legalistic about anything. It is not just rooted in religion. All unforgiveness is seated in the sense of justice, and all justice is seated in law. 

The therapy that is needed is grace. Receiving grace and granting grace destroys legalism. He tells us that grace lets God run the universe His way. Grace wants sinners to be healed, not destroyed. God is more concerned with people than law. Learning that forgiveness happens solely in the offended is a huge step in overcoming this toxin. My forgiveness does nothing for those I forgive. It heals me. 

The Toxin of Rejection

Rejection is seated in doubt. Some doubts are inflicted while others are inborn. Rejection is more than being left out. It becomes a conviction. Rejection is a question, not a statement, and that question is, What is wrong with me? Doubt is the throne of rejection. Doubt gets its power from a lie, and that lie is, “something is wrong with and unlovable about me.

The therapy is trust. Rejection is a slow, long-term wound. Therefore the healing process of trust can take time. The healing is necessary because wounded humanity wounds wounded humanity. The goal is to learn acceptance. Learn to trust the character of God, and He accepts us. We must realize that we are acceptable. No one can reject someone whom God has accepted. 

The Toxin of Condemnation

Rutland states that “Condemnation is a powerful inner wound. Self-loathing, even self-destructive impulses, are rooted in condemnation.” The cycle is reinforced by idolatry. We believe that our wound is bigger than God or bigger than what God can heal. Our wound becomes our idol. Condemnation is a toxic kind of idolatry that puts the way I feel or believe ahead of what God says. 

The therapy for condemnation is worship. Worship restores perspective. By restoring perception, a worshipping life becomes a more balanced life. He mentions three aspects of worship that can be life-changing: gratitude, humility, and other-centered living. Worship is by definition other-centered, or, more precisely, Other-centered. One of the counselors in the book says, “Worship doesn’t rid the world of idiots. It heals the people who need to learn how to live constructively in a world full of idiots.”

The Toxin of Fear

Fear is seated in pain. He says that future pain, dreaded pain, finds its horror in either memory or imagination or both. The interesting thing about pain is that we cannot remember how it felt when it was happening. We cannot forget the hurt. But fear does not always flow out of pain. Sometimes it flows out of our imagination. Many of our fears are nothing more than our imagination leaving us debilitated. 

The therapy is love. Love heals painful memories where fear is anchored. This is not just any love, but perfect love. Fear attaches itself to our lives. Love is what casts it out. When fear is cast out, hope can blossom. Hope is like springtime at the end of winter. Without hope, despair sets in, and we become less resistant to the struggles of life. Rutland reminds us that “the truth that heals our fears is not the end of pain. There is pain in life; it is true. Pain-free living is a false hope. It is not the end of pain that sets me free. What sets me free is love that casts out fear.”

If you are struggling with any of these issues, I highly recommend “Courage To Be Healed” as a part of your healing journey. Don’t fall into the trap of believing that life is good, but God is hard. Life is hard. Sometimes even painful. But God is good, and we can trust Him. 

5 Things That Help Resolve Conflict

All of us experience conflict in our lives. Anywhere we have relationships, conflict is a probability. Conflict is inevitable. Combat is optional. The goal is to find a resolution to conflict before it becomes combat. 

We have all had conflicts we struggled to resolve. More than we will admit, we have been the cause of the conflict and the struggle to fix it. There are some elements to resolving conflict. Today I am going to talk about five of them in my 5 Thursday Thoughts. They do not all have to be present to resolve conflict, but some of them will always be present. Let’s take a look at these five and see if we can gain some insight on how we can better resolve conflict when we have it.

Communication

If we refuse to communicate with the person we conflict with, it is nearly impossible to reach a resolution. When conflict arises, we are tempted to retreat to our corner and have nothing to say. We may even refuse to talk to the other party. If we are in danger, this may be necessary. But most of life’s conflict does not involve physical danger. Usually, the only thing that hurts is our pride or our feelings. No communication will make resolution difficult. It is also a form of unforgiveness which affects you more than the other person involved.

Understanding

To resolve conflict, you have to make an effort to understand where the other person is coming from. Conflict may involve right or wrong, and there may be only one answer, but there is always more than one perspective. Just because people have taken the wrong side does not mean you should not consider their view. When people feel understood, they are much more agreeable.

Forgiveness

In some conflicts, people say hurtful things or act in ways that bring pain to other people. To move past this will require forgiveness. Forgiveness is about the offended, not the offender. Sometimes apologies are never made. That does not mean you cannot extend forgiveness. Apologies are helpful, but forgiveness is necessary.

Patience

Some resolutions take time. Some people need a little space to think things through and for emotions to calm. You do not have to overlook it forever, but patience can allow everyone to get to the place they need to be for a resolution to happen. Conflict can arise instantaneously. Resolutions can take time.

Humility

The need to be right and win are two of the greatest hindrances to conflict resolution. Sometimes peace is more valuable than being right. Sometimes we have to apologize even when the other party is the one that created the situation. Humility does not mean we have lost or have been run over. Humility doesn’t mean we think less of ourselves. It means we think of ourselves less and put others first at times. 

Conflict can be stressful. Not resolving it can be damaging. Put these things into practice and resolve the conflicts in your life much quicker.

5 Words That Are Better Than Others

Words matter. I try to use the right ones, but I don’t always get it right. It can be painful when we use the wrong words. It is not even as simple as right or wrong words. Some words are just better than others. They send a different message and point in a different direction.

We interchange these words at times. Using a particular word can change how people perceive you and can even change your subconscious thinking. Here are five words that I think are better than similar words we use.

Investing > Saving

Learning to save is something we want our children to do with their money at an early age. One of the things we fail to teach is the importance of investing. I heard two statements recently that reminded me of the difference. The first was, “It is nearly impossible to save your way to wealth.” The second was, “Why would we save when they can print more. The way to wealth is investing.” I think about how we approach people and how we relate these words. Given a choice, most people would rather hang around people who invest over people who save. Why? Because we usually view investors as generous and savers as stingy. This paradigm is not always true, but it does affect our mindset. This concept even applies to time. Your greatest returns will come from the time you invest, not the time you save. It does not mean that saving is bad. It just seems that investing is better. 

Responding > Reacting

I have talked about this before. The best example is medicine. When we take medication, and it works, medical professionals say we are responding well. When we have a reaction, that is not usually good. In life, responders are better than reactors. Responders typically improve or minimize damage. Reactors tend to make things worse. If you want improvement, respond. Don’t react.

Forgiving > Revenge

This one seems so obvious, but it is much more challenging to live out. We like control. We think that not forgiving someone helps us control the situation. If we get revenge, we inflict some of the pain we have experienced. We somehow believe that if we forgive that they are free. The person whom forgiveness sets free is you. Forgiveness is about the offended, not the offender.

Purpose > Profession

I know many people who have a profession, but they are not living their purpose. It is not that they do not have a purpose. They have either not found it or have chosen the security of a profession over fulfilling a purpose. The goal is to merge the two. To live out our purpose while being able to support ourselves financially with a career. A profession without purpose only provides resources with no reason. Live on purpose. 

Love > Tolerance

Tolerance is a popular word in our culture. When was the last time you got excited about someone tolerating you? Tolerance is inferior to love. What most people mean by tolerance is the absence of confrontation and the presence of approval. Love is better. Love always accepts, but it does not always approve. Tolerance is never going to solve the differences of the world. I don’t want to be tolerated. I want to be loved. It is the greatest need of our culture.

You may disagree with my assessment of words. I would encourage you to think about the words you use and how the people around you receive them. Words set the table for many other things in your life. Use the best ones, not just acceptable ones. 

5 Things About Difficult Conversations

Difficult conversations are a part of life. They happen in our families and our jobs. Depending on your position, you may be required to have more of these conversations than others.

Very few people look forward to difficult conversations. That is normal. The people who do enjoy difficult conversations need to read this more than anyone. 

Though we can’t avoid difficult conversations, we can improve on the process. Whether you are talking to a boss, employee, spouse, or child, these five things will make your conversation smoother and result in better outcomes. 

Be Thoughtful

Before you have the conversation, have the conversation with yourself. Think through what you are going to say. Write down the things you know you want to communicate. It is a good idea to rehearse what you are going to say and how you will say it. Most great public speakers rehearse out loud. Putting thought and preparation into what will be said and how it will be delivered is the first step to making the conversation easier. 

Be Honest

It is useless to have a difficult conversation if you are only going to deliver part of the truth. Honest communication is the foundation for making a difficult conversation easier. When you only offer part of the truth, you are setting yourself up to have another difficult conversation at a later time. If you cannot be honest, don’t have the conversation.

Be Direct

Being direct is different than being honest. I know people who tell the truth, but they wrap it in rambling dialogues that lose and confuse the listener. They turn a single sentence fact into a 15-minute lengthy talk, and then the person who needs the information leaves without a clear understanding of what was just said. Big words may impress the listener, but if they don’t understand the intent, they are just impressed and not informed. 

Be Grace-filled

Being grace-filled is for the people who have the honest and direct part of the conversation perfected. Speak with grace. Some people fall to the belief that the truth will set you free without knowing that grace and love must also be present for it to have their full effect. You are still dealing with people; they need to be treated with dignity and respect even when they have made a mistake. 

Be Confidential

Difficult conversations are rarely public conversations. What is said needs to stay with the people who are a part of the conversation. On occasion, others need to learn some issues, but they cannot spread them to others. It then becomes gossip. Gossip ruins the benefits of a difficult conversation, and trust is lost.

I cannot eliminate difficult conversations from my life. I can learn to make them better. Apply these five things the next time you have a difficult conversation, and you will get better results. 

5 Things About Batman

Growing up, one of my favorite shows was Batman –  the show featuring Bruce Wayne as Batman with all of the “boom” and “pow” effects. If it was on television, my brother and I and our friend Robin were watching it. We would even find ourselves acting out the scenes.

Recently I was doing some training for a leadership game, and the moderator asked a question about superheroes. We had to tell what superhero reminded us of our training organization. I immediately thought of Batman and some things that apply to life and leadership.

Here are my Five Thursday Thoughts on how Batman can apply to our lives.

Multiple Tools

Batman was not a one-trick pony. Some superheroes have a single superpower, but Batman had gadgets. The Batrope, the Batmobile, Bat Helicopter, and tool belt just to start. He had a Batarang and a Bat Claw and so much more. He had a resource for every situation.

We cannot know everything, nor can we be good at everything, but it does help us to be more well-rounded to deal with different situations that arise in our lives. I know people who know how to use a hammer well, but it can do more harm than good when used in delicate situations. You need other tools to deal with different situations. Learn new skills and hone old ones. You never know when you will need your Batsense to solve a problem.

Transformation

Batman was millionaire Bruce Wayne in his daily life. He went about his business as an average person on most days. But when needed, he transformed quickly into Batman, usually sliding down the Batpole into the Batcave. Multiple people benefitted from Bruce Wayne’s transformation. 

Life requires transformation. We are not who we used to be. We have either improved or declined. Rarely is transformation as simple as moving from one room to another; it is usually a journey that takes time. People benefit when we transform and live out the purpose God created us to live.

He Could Relate

Bruce Wayne was a regular person. He was wealthy, but he lived an everyday life like everyone else. He could relate to the fear and concerns everyone else had. His superpower did not cause him to look down on others. Even when in full superhero mode, he could connect with those in trouble because, in reality, he was one of them.

You probably have some area where you are a superhero. We are all a “10” at something. But we cannot allow our gifting or talent to keep us from relating to others. The most remarkable people can relate to others even in their greatness. We are all just people. Don’t think more highly of yourself than you should.

He Didn’t Run Solo

Batman had Robin as his sidekick. He shared his wisdom and insight with a much younger protege. He had patience with him even when he made mistakes. It was clear they were better together.

We are not created to do life alone. We need others to make us better, and we need to be a positive influence on others. Sometimes others slow us down or cause us to deal with things we would have typically avoided. But those people are usually better off because we are around, and we have others that make us better because they are present. 

He Respected Order

The Batman I watched was not a rogue operator. Though he was a superhero and had gifts that saved many people, he still reported to Commissioner Gordon because order is necessary. Lack of order creates chaos.

One of the dangers we have in talent is believing we do not have to answer to others. There is still order in the world. Even if we have more ability or insight than our superiors, we must show respect and honor. Your ability does not eliminate the need for humility.

I am not sure who your superhero was growing up. Batman was mine. Even today, writing this, I have thought about some things I can learn from Batman 40 years later. 

5 Takeaways From The 4 Laws of Love

Recently I have written a couple of blogs that featured five statements that had made a difference in my life at different times. This format seems to be a positive one to use, so I plan to use the “5 Things” rule each week. If you have a catchy name for the five things that I can use, let me know. 

One of the “5 Things” topics from time to time will be about books I am reading. I recently finished “The Four Laws of Love” by Jimmy Evans. Four of the five have to be my takes on the four laws. I will give you one more important takeaway as well.

The four laws come from Genesis 2, “This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one. Now the man and his wife were both naked, but they felt no shame.” (‭‭Genesis‬ ‭2:24-25‬ ‭NLT) Here are my five takeaways.

The Law of Priority

A man leaves his father and mother and is joined by his wife. Your spouse becomes the number one priority in your life other than God. If you allow anyone or anything, no matter how good or important, to take time and energy that belongs to your spouse, you violate the law of priority. Some of the things that are important for us to prioritize are:

  • Our communication
  • Our relationships
  • Our romance

 

If we do not set our priorities, someone else will.

The Law of Pursuit

We are to be joined by our spouse. Some translations use the word “cleave.” It means to pursue with great energy or cling to something zealously. The problem with most marriages is that we pursue vigorously before marriage only to focus on another conquest after we get married. 

Your spouse wants and needs you to pursue them. God designed marriage to include two servants. The happiest of marriages are two servants in love. You are together for a purpose, and when you pursue that together, the rewards are tremendous.

The Law of Partnership

The two become one. This statement is a powerful principle. When you are married, nothing remains yours alone. You are one. Anything not submitted to joint ownership will result in the other person feeling violated. Marriage is not a one-way street – it is a place where both spouses need to participate. Dominance harms marriage. Mutual submission is the key to marital satisfaction. 

Partnership is an area where marriages will continually grow. Finances is usually one of the early partnership tests for marriages. No single person should dominate the financial situation, even if it is a single-income family. Mutual respect will allow you to become the partners that allow your marriage to thrive.

The Law of Purity

They were naked and felt no shame. The statement includes sexual purity but is not limited to sex; it encompasses all aspects of our lives. They did not experience shame physically or emotionally. Emotional nakedness, where each partner can lay themselves before the other without fear, is a crucial aspect of happy marriages. When we can lay everything before our spouse, it shows we have nothing to hide.

One of the places where we need purity most is in conflict and anger. If we cannot manage our anger, our spouse will limit their interaction with us and often hide things for fear of retribution. Purity includes learning how to deal with conflict and managing our anger so our spouse feels safe to be naked in every area of life. 

Vision Retreats

One of the things this book proposes is vision retreats for your marriage. The retreat includes only you and your spouse. I have heard of this concept before, and Barbara and I have tried it. Anything without a vision will flounder. We tend to wait until there is a crisis to address an issue. What would happen if we took time each year to talk about our goals and dreams for every area of our marriage and family. What are our communication goals? Financial goals? Parenting goals? What do we want for our children? What does intimacy look like in this season of our life?

When we disagree on the direction, a division is inevitable. Vision retreats allow us to bring clarity to our plans which will enable us to say yes to the right things and no the ones that do not match where we believe God wants us to go. If there is a purpose for you being together, doesn’t it seem logical to want to pursue what God wants every day in your home?

All marriage can and should grow. One of the ways you can do that is by reading a book together. The Four Laws of Love is a book that will benefit your home.

5 Life Changing Statements About Parenting

Recently I wrote a post about five life-changing statements. You can read it here. I am going to continue this series with five ideas in different areas of my life. Today I want to talk about parenting.

A few of these statements are probably statements you have heard. One may consider these proverbs because they have been shared for generations. Some of these I heeded. Others of these I learned the hard way. If you are a young parent or desire to be a parent, take these to heart. 

They Grow Up Fast

We say this in different ways for different situations. We talk about how time flies but rarely do we live our life with intentionality knowing that children are only young for a season. This lesson is something I heard but did not take seriously enough. Knowing what I know now, I would have slowed the speed of my own life so that I could enjoy the speed of theirs. 

Tell Your Dad

I was in a tough spot in my early twenties, and I needed someone to help. I had a legal issue, and it was going to take some money to fix. We had a family friend who was probably in his 70’s at the time. He was the mayor of a town where my dad used to pastor, and he was relatively wealthy. I went to him and asked for help. He asked me if I had told my dad. I had not. First, I was embarrassed. Second, I didn’t think my dad could help financially. He told me to tell my dad, and if he couldn’t help, then come back and see him, and he would assist. He said no one loves me more than my dad, and I should always go to him first. I did tell my dad. We cried together. He asked me why I didn’t come earlier. Then he found a way to help me. I have never forgotten that. Your dad will turn the world upside down to fix your problems.

Teach Them While They Are Young

There is a lot of science about how much children learn early and how learning slows as they get older. As a parent, there are some things I went about with intention. There are some other things I wished I had done with more intention. They are learning from us every day. As parents, we are the number one influence they have. If they are going to learn from us anyway, wouldn’t it be wise to be intentional and make sure they learn what we want them to learn? 

This Hurts Me More Than It Does You

I heard this first when I was getting a spanking (no emails, please). But I learned that corporal punishment did not have to be involved for this to be the case. If we take a toy, not only do we have to hear the whining, we also lose the distraction they had, and we have to pay more attention. As they get older, it becomes even more painful. We take their car, and then we have to deliver them to school and practice and events. It then becomes a burden for us too. I see this most often with screens now. I am going to take your iPad or tablet. Then we lose that built-in babysitter, and we give in because we do not like the pain either. Discipline is difficult for the parent and the child. 

Equal Is Not Best

For some reason, we believe the myth that to be fair, we have to be equal. Equal is a terrible way to parent. Appropriate is a much better method. We want them to have the same things, do the same things, and go to the same places. What I have learned over the years is that God created each of us as individuals. What is the best path for one person may not be the best path for another one. One child may need to focus on sports while the other focuses on music. Equal means they both have to do it all or none or just one. For children to thrive, parents must treat them appropriately, not equally. Equal is a poor measure of fairness.

I have a lot more parenting statements. Some I managed to apply. Others, not so much. What are some of your favorite parenting statements?

Buckshot, Bullets and Bows

I do not hunt regularly. At least I do not hunt game animals regularly. To a certain extent, we are all hunters; we just choose different prey. I have been hunting less than ten times in my life, but I have lots of friends who are hunters. I know about guns and have been around them more frequently than I have been hunting. I have taken a couple of classes to familiarize myself with them. 

Hunters most often use a shotgun, a rifle, or a bow. The game that you are hunting and the season you are in will determine the weapon of choice. Each one of these weapons uses a different type of ammunition. There are variations of each type of ammo, but for general terms, a bow uses arrows, a shotgun uses shells with some kind of buckshot or “shot,” and a rifle uses a cartridge or bullet. Each one has its benefits and requirements. You can’t use them all for every situation. You need to know which one to use for each task.

The same is true of many of our ventures in life. We have to make the right choice of weapon; otherwise, we will spend time trying to accomplish something we can’t do or could be done much quicker and easier if we chose the right tool. Let’s take a look at how this might play out.

Buckshot

A shotgun shell has powder to explode, and it propels buckshot from the opposite end of that shell. The buckshot leaves the end of the gun barrel and sprays or scatters in a broad pattern. This effect is great for small game animals like birds or rabbits but not very effective with large game. It also does less damage to the object it hits. It will have multiple penetration points.

There are things we tackle in life that need a shotgun approach. We need a broader spray field to make sure we hit the target. We may need to be a little more careful with the target, or it may be small enough that we need some margin to make sure we hit it. If the target is small, quick, and not very clear, a shotgun approach to the situation may be the best method. Sometimes multiple options are the best solution. 

Bullets

Rifles and pistols use bullets or cartridges. These are single projectiles that either hit their target or not. A shotgun may have some buckshot that hits and some that don’t. It may even hit and not hit the most vulnerable spot, and the game may move on and never be harvested. A cartridge has more power and can take down large game, but it also requires a higher degree of accuracy. 

Larger projects, goals, and purposes in our lives require more powerful solutions. They have to be focused. If they miss the mark, they can be useless, but they can bring enormous rewards when on target. I see people with big dreams and little skill spraying ideas everywhere but never taking anything down. The most unfortunate thing I see is people taking 50 caliber rifles to a squirrel hunt. They have high skills with low ambition, and nothing in life seems fulfilling. The larger your goal, the more precision you will need and the longer distance it will require.

Bows

Bows have less range and less force. They require high accuracy and skill to use effectively. The variety of animals a hunter can kill with a bow is limited. Bows also offer a more significant challenge to the hunter. A novice should not use a bow, and you do not want to put yourself in a life-threatening situation with only a bow. Bowhunting can offer a thrill to the hunter, but it is not the best device for self-defense. 

Bow adventures are fun in life. They allow us to exercise our skill with an added thrill, but they do not make good tools for building a long, purposeful life. Life should have its thrill-seeking and adventure moments,  but people accomplish great purposes in the mundane daily devotion. Nietzsche calls this “a long obedience in the same direction.” 

Life has lots of situations we must master and conquer. Knowing what tool to use and the requirements are critical for the success of each of those ventures. Every target has its required ammunition if you want to be most effective.

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About Me

I currently serve as Lead Pastor at Open Door Church and I am a certified trainer & coach with the John Maxwell Team. I am also an Associate Trainer with EQUIP training leaders around the world. I currently own two businesses related to the foodservice equipment industry. I am a certified speaker, teacher and coach with the John Maxwell Team. I can offer you workshops, seminars, keynote speaking, and coaching, aiding your personal and professional growth through study and practical application of John’s proven leadership methods. Working together, I will move you and/or your team or organization in the desired direction to reach your goals.