I am going to tackle a subject that is not typical for my blog – sex. Sex is one of the most important parts of marriage. It is the most intimate expression between a husband and a wife. Too often, it becomes a matter of tension in marriages because we have not been intentional about it. Life pushes it to the back of our priorities. It was probably central to the early part of the relationship, but those days are a distant memory.
Recently I preached a sermon on sex in marriage, and I gave six reasons for sex in marriage. You can catch that sermon here. Today I want to offer some things that we have found to be important in keeping sex a priority and less of a tension. Maybe some of these will help you in your marriage.
One of the questions that I ask in premarital counseling is, “How often do you expect to have sex?” People have expectations, even if they have never expressed them or given much thought to them. Subconsciously we have ideals that we bring into the marriage. We have the ideal sex life. The problem happens when the two parties’ standards do not match. If his perfect sex life is three times per week and hers is one time per week, trouble is on the horizon. If sex happens twice per week, he is frustrated while she thinks she exceeds expectations, and neither can understand why there is tension. Our entire married life, my wife and I have had mutual expectations about the frequency of sex. This one solution removed pressure about sex from our relationship.
Talk About It
The most common time when couples discuss sex in marriage is during conflict. Something has created tension, and so there is a discussion. If you want to improve your sex life, have conversations without stress. On a date night, make that the topic of conversation. Talk about your likes and dislikes. Discuss ideas you have. Find code words that mean something sexual to only you and your spouse. Anything that you talk about will become more of a centerpiece to your marriage.
Sex is not just for the bedroom with the blinds closed. Solomon wrote about having sex in a field. Try a different room in the house. Have sex at a different time of day instead of the last thing at night. Make a lunch appointment to both come home from work. There are many ways to be creative with your sex life that might be the very thing that brings the transformation you desire.
Understand The Value
Understanding the value of sex in marriage is an essential piece of this. God made sex pleasurable, but that is not the only thing that makes sex important. The Bible tells us that sex is for knowledge, oneness, procreation, protection, and comfort. Sex should not only be limited to the times we are stimulated and want to enjoy it. The value that it brings to the relationship means we go out of our way to make it a priority. Sex does not solve everything, but it does solve a lot of things.
Writing this was not nearly as awkward as preaching about sex. Don’t allow life to squeeze out one of the most valuable parts of marriage. There are enough other pressures in life that we cannot control. Don’t let sex be a constant area of tension in your relationship.
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